No Contact Rule

Let’s say a breakup has just happened and you realize after the fact that you really want to be with this person after all. Maybe you were the one who got dumped or maybe you were the dumper, but you realized that it was a mistake and this person is actually someone you want to get back together with. If you are able to do so, one of the most effective ways to reconnect with your ex and to restore your relationship to the way it was before — or perhaps even stronger — is to negotiate from a position of strength.

And you can do this by carrying out what’s known as the “no contact rule” — which means that you state your intentions as to what you want from your ex moving into the future, and then you completely walk away and leave them alone to make up their mind as to whether they want to take you up on your offer or not. You do not ever try to keep contacting them or to convince them that getting back together with you is the right thing to do.

Now this is extremely extremely difficult for most people, so there are alternative strategies you can take if you think you are not emotionally able to handle this sort of a disciplined non-communication with somebody.

But to reiterate, the strategy here it is you stating in some manner that you want to get back together with that person, and saying that they’ve made a mistake in dumping you (or that you made a mistake in dumping them) and saying that you want to get back together with them romantically. And I stress that as a very important point — you want to make it clear you want to be romantically involved again, so that you will not accept the oh-so-very common notion that the other person might have of “why don’t you just be friends for a while and see where things go.”

Because letting them be friends with you and to contact you and to talk to you whenever they feel like, but not committing to be with you again is really a losing proposition and a position of weakness for you. In that scenario they will be able to check in on you and to make sure you’re doing okay, and talk to you whenever they feel like and just to really assuage their guilt about not being with you anymore. But they will not be in any position of commitment where they have to stay with you and truly take care of you. They’ll be free to see other people, go out and do things whenever they want, and not be bound by any time commitments to you. Therefore it is really you giving away something for nothing and it will weaken your overall goal of trying to get with them in a romantic sense.

Think of the word “friend-zoned” and you’ll see exactly what I mean. A lot of guys get into the trap of being friendzoned by a girl that they like, which means the they’ll be able to spend time with that girl and to communicate with her and talk to her, but they will never be able to get past that hurdle and to become a potential romantic partner, just because they are simply spending too much time with that girl in a platonic sense. And you don’t want to let that happen to you — whether you are a guy or a girl — after a breakup has happened.

For example, for many guys after they broken up with a girl, they still care about her and they want to make sure she’s doing okay, that she’s safe and not harming herself. And so being friends with that girl after the breakup is sort of a cheap way for them to check in on the girl and make sure that she’s safe. And now they don’t have to feel guilty because they’re doing their part to still take care of her in a sense after the breakup has happened, yet they are not committed to her in any way shape or form. So they will actually be free to even pursue other girls while this is going on. And this is not the sort of position you want to find yourself in.

So to reiterate, you want to tell that person, “Hey look, I want to get back together with you in a romantic sense,” and lay it all out there, and tell them it’s that or nothing. And that you don’t want to be friends — you don’t even want to talk to that person or text that person or be in any sort of communication at all with that person — unless they change their mind. So you tell them, “Look, don’t call me or contact me unless you want to get back together,” and then leave it at that and simply walk away from that interaction, and walk away from all future interactions with this person. That way you are now negotiating from a position of strength, because if they do want to talk to you — if they do feel lonely, if they miss you and they want to talk to you — then they have to make the commitment of reopening those negotiations of getting back together in a romantic relationship.

So for them to contact you, no matter for what reason — if they miss you or whatnot — they have to now agree to the terms that getting back together romantically is now on the table once again. Therefore they will think very carefully before they contact you again, and if they do, you both know the game is back on.

But like I said before, this is very very difficult emotionally, especially if you are in a very bad state right now. If you’re very sad, if you’re crying every day, then this is something that is probably not doable for you… it’s going to be very tempting for you to just want to contact them just to hear their voice.

So you must be a very strong person emotionally — you must be someone who is able to set a plan and be disciplined and stick to it. You should examine yourself and what kind of person you are.

Look, if you are someone who works out and you have a nice physique, if you are a great student and you have good grades, if you work hard and you’re climbing the ladder of success at your work… then you know what it takes to reach that kind of success. The hard work and discipline it takes is not an exception here in this situation either. You will have to have that kind of fortitude and mental toughness and discipline and emotional steadfastness in order to state your goals clearly and then to wait for the other person to respond — to put the ball in their court and let them make the next play.

And waiting patiently for them to do so is very difficult, and you’ll be tempted to contact them just to see what they think and if they’re considering your offer or not. But of course doing so will weaken your position and make it even less likely for them to take you seriously, when you said you want to get back together with them or nothing.

You must really mean what you say because the other person may come to a certain point and make an offer that they just want to be friends with you, and they may leave you an email or a text message saying you can contact each other as long as you guys remain just friends. And you’ll be very tempted to take them up on that offer just because it will let you spend time with them and you can hear their voice again, and be next to them again, but really you must be committed to doing exactly what you say — which is meaning exactly what you said: to basically never see them again and never interact with them again unless they agree to your terms.

You must be willing to put that on the line and to really walk away from the relationship forever if they don’t agree to your terms. Ironically that will make it more likely for them to want to come back to you and pursue you it will actually make them regret not being with you. So this is an all or nothing play. Consider your situation and see if this is something that you are able to pull off. Because this strategy does work very well, as long as you don’t crumble in the middle of it.